We are so excited for you to join us in Cape Cod tomorrow. You deserve a vacation. You have worked hard, long hours. Your deal has now closed. And though the kids have missed you this week, I can tell you that no one has missed you more than me. I can't wait for you to really hunker down and get into our vacation routine. Since you haven't been here this week, I wanted to give you a list of the things that you can look forward to taking over upon your arrival:
1) The killing of various insects. As you know, our house is in the middle of the woods and I fear I am instilling anxiety in both of our children as I scream and whimper upon killing various spiders, centipedes, millipedes, and other variations of pedes. We have a bottle of Raid to assist you in these duties, though at times you may have to resort to a shoe or tissue, which is when most of my shrieking occurs.
2) The application of sunscreen to both Braden and Casey. I have been flying solo on this for a week now, and I am ready to hand over the reigns. I am SO done with this one.
3) The accompanying of Braden to various public restrooms. For some reason, this week Braden has developed an aversion to all public utilities and has flat out refused to use them. On a few occasions I have resorted to allowing him to urinate by a tree instead. I feel this is probably from lack of a male figure - he just doesn't like being taken into the women's restroom. So from tomorrow on, it's boys only for bathroom breaks.
4) The swimming in the ice cold water. It's a shame you weren't able to go to the beach or pond during your time here last weekend. If you had, you would have learned that the water is FREEZING. For reasons unknown to me, Braden does not seem to mind the frigid temperatures, and wants to be engulfed in the piercing water for long periods of time. He also requires the active participation of another adult in this activity. So far, that adult has been me (with a bit of assistance from my father and sister - they would kill me if I didn't mention that). Next week, that adult will be you.
5) The taking out of the poopy diaper garbage bag. As you know, we don't have a diaper champ, diaper genie, or other smell suppressing receptacle for dirty diapers. As such, I have resorted to keeping a plastic bag in the basement, which I take out every evening. Notwithstanding the fact that the basement is a frightening, damp, dungeon, the smell by the end of the day is simply appalling. I'll let you take over this duty, so you can see exactly what I mean.
6) The awakening of the children in the morning. For some reason, both of our children have decided to awaken from their slumber earlier than usual on this vacation. I can't remember the precise point of their arising this morning, as I was in a sleep deprived daze. But, I can say with a fair bit of certainty it was somewhere in the 5's. I recognize that I may receive a bit of pushback from you on the assumption of this duty, so I will meet you halfway. We can alternate mornings. But you have to take Sunday.
7) Lastly, as you know from our discussion last night, Casey has started crawling. What a momentous, joyous milestone! We must take lots of photos and home videos. In fact, before you come be sure to record this achievement in the baby book (Did you know we had one of those? It's on the bookshelf in the living room). Oh, and I should mention, this house is not at all babyproofed for a crawling toddler. Our decision not to bring the jumperoo has proved to be an unwise one, as I have nowhere to place said crawling toddler when I need to cook, pee, stretch, yawn, or tend to our older son. As such, you can take on the duty of watching Casey 24-7, to ensure that he does not bang his head whilst attempting to scale the coffee table, scratch his wee little knees while ascending the brick fireplace, or ingest a wheel or axle from the various matchbox cars that ordain the living room floor.
Oh sweetie, we can't wait to have you here!
In the meantime, maybe you should stop by the liquor store on your drive in.