So I had an interview this morning. Don't worry, I'm not returning to the dark side. It was just some Craiglist ad I responded to for a part time legal writing position that actually turned out to be legitimate. (Go figure?).
Back in the day, I used to be a master interviewee. I was never nervous. Why would I be? When else do you have the opportunity to talk about yourself for 30+ minutes and have someone pretend to care? Plus, I had a lot to say. I had interesting experiences, and a solid educational background. I felt that the jobs were competing for me, not vice versa. I guess you could say I was cocky.
But my cockiness paid off, and in the two times I went through the whole interview process (during law school, and then when moving to DC), for every call back I had at a law firm, I received an offer. (Except Zuckerman Spaeder. Why Zuckerman? Why?).
Today's interview was a conference call at 9:30, and I hadn't given it much thought. Then around 9:05 or so, I started getting nervous. As in, pit in my stomach, dry mouth nervous.
There was no reason for me to be nervous. I don't even NEED a job. I have absolutely nothing to lose.
But I think the root of it is, that since leaving biglaw and staying home, my confidence has been rocked a bit. For better or worse, when facing the corporate world head on, I do feel a bit of shame in my decision to take a step back, and take a break.
I hate that stupid word. And I hate the sentiment of it and everything it stands for. And at the end of the day, I have come to peace with my decision to leave full time employment. For God's sake, I spend most of this blog talking about how I have no regrets and that women should be empowered to do what they want to do and spend time with their kids and it's all society's fault for making us feel bad about it.
But, there it was. That pit in my stomach. Evidence that, as a professional, I am not the confident, you'll be lucky to get me, candidate that I once was.
As a lawyer, I am apprehensive, I am unsure, I am intimidated. And I'll say it - I am ashamed. I've broken the proverbial "rules."
But as a mom, I am fulfilled, I am happy, I am confident. And I am proud. I am where I want to be.
And I know that's what's most important.