Sunday, December 4, 2011

A Bitter Pill

When I started this blog, it never really dawned on me to make it completely anonymous.  For starters, I didn't really expect hardly anyone to read it.  But more than that, I felt like I didn't have anything to hide.  I just didn't see a reason to completely conceal myself behind the thin veil of the internet.

I have to say that over the past few months there have been MANY times that I wished it were anonymous.  And probably not for the reasons you think.  I'm not scared of people seeing my kids or employers blackballing me or getting the occasional hate mail (oh, you gotta love the hate mail!).  Instead, I feel as if my lack of anonymity has limited my subject matter.

Lets be honest - I'd love to bitch about a few choice people.  I'd love to be able to sincerely express my hopes, fears, and insecurities.  I'd love to have this blog be my TRUE outlet where I can just let it all go.  But I can't.  Because, for better or worse, people are reading it.  People I know.  Including those choice aforementioned people.

And for that reason, I can't write about what's really on my mind tonight.  Instead,  let me be extremely vague and delicate, so I can get this off my chest as anonymously as possible.

For the past couple of years, a situation in my life has give me a bitter pill to swallow.  I seem to keep having to swallow this pill over and over and over again, and the more I swallow it, the more bitter it gets.  I am getting really sick of said pill.

Have you ever had a situation in your life where you just KNOW you are right?  In that, if you were in a court of law, and you set out your arguments (and I can do this quite well, thank you very much), there is no doubt you would win.  Analytically, logically, evidentiarily, EVERYTHING - you are right.  No doubt about it.

But what if it doesn't matter?  What if it doesn't matter how right you are, because if you "win" it won't be recognized, and it's all a lose lose situation anyway?  So instead of fighting the fight, you reside yourself to just swallow that pill.  And keep doing it over and over again.

That's where I am.  I am swallowing that pill.  And trying to be an adult and come to peace with that and rise above it and all of that BS.  But to be honest, I am having a really, really hard time with it. Especially tonight.

Anyway, I guess that's all I can say about that.  I am fine, really.  Just have a bad taste in my mouth.

Ahhhh, I have to say, I do feel better already.


  1. I'm sorry your dealing with the bitterness. :(

    As far as blogging goes, I use my real name and James's but not our daughter's. And I still feel the privacy thing. Because when I started my blog, it was focused on books--what I'm reading, what's new in the publishing world, what I like and don't like and I told EVERYBODY about it. Now that it's more on the parenting side, I wish I hadn't. I'd like to be able to be more honest about some of the thornier parts of parenting but knowing that my MIL (and others) read my blog (and Twitter...and facebook...) religiously makes me hold back more than I would, otherwise.

    I learned to keep other blogs a bit more private after that, but to go back! And establish some limits! Would be great.

  2. Pssst... Send me an email. Leave me a blog comment when you do, because I never check that account otherwise. (Lame, I know, but it's full of spam.)

  3. I remain anonymous in the sense that I don't blog about work. At all. Because even if people from work or my clients aren't reading my blog in actuality, I feel that I must operate under the assumption that they are and I have to ask myself how they would feel if I aired my feelings about that stuff. That's the main reason I also have a paper journal because that is how I end up relieving stress.

  4. I agree with mominsanity about not blogging about work--and about keeping a non-publicly available journal. I keep one in a Word Doc on my computer. And even though no one will (hopefully) ever see it, it helps so much to just write and relieve the stress.

  5. I have found that one of the biggest shockers of adulthood is the steady stream of judgments and perceived injustices that one must confront, and ultimately learn and grow from. Whether this relates to disappointment in friends, family, colleagues, or in time - even in one's own offspring, ultimately we all have to grow up at some point. A huge part of this for me requires letting go, forgiveness, acceptance of other people's imperfectness etc. Being an adult can be a b**ch sometimes. Perhaps parenting made me emotional, soft, and thin-skinned, perhaps it is the lack of intellectual stimulation to keep my mind occupied with more concrete and practical issues, but still, I recognize that so much of what I allow to bother me relates to all of those unresolved parts of my past, the child within that is still kicking and screaming inside every time I get a new dose of that bitter pill you described. Anyway, I can relate.

    I understand your concerns about lack of anonymity. I think this has been one of the main things holding me back from starting my own blog - I am just not certain where to draw that line of disclosure. On the other hand, one of the advantages of being so open in your blog is that people, like myself, feel like we can get to know you a little. And in so doing, other's like myself can connect to what you are saying. Although I know that you do not know of me to the extent that I am reading your blog and not the reverse, please e-mail me if you ever have a need to vent to someone "anonymous," desire feedback etc (

    Take Care,


    p.s. - maybe a glass of nice wine will help that medicine go down!

  6. Jana, thank you SO much for your comment. It actually made me feel a lot better, and I can really relate. Seriously, what is it about adulthood and the injustices of it all? A glass of wine does come in handy. :)

  7. If I had to do it all over again I'd make my blog anonymous.


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