When I started this blog, it never really dawned on me to make it completely anonymous. For starters, I didn't really expect hardly anyone to read it. But more than that, I felt like I didn't have anything to hide. I just didn't see a reason to completely conceal myself behind the thin veil of the internet.
I have to say that over the past few months there have been MANY times that I wished it were anonymous. And probably not for the reasons you think. I'm not scared of people seeing my kids or employers blackballing me or getting the occasional hate mail (oh, you gotta love the hate mail!). Instead, I feel as if my lack of anonymity has limited my subject matter.
Lets be honest - I'd love to bitch about a few choice people. I'd love to be able to sincerely express my hopes, fears, and insecurities. I'd love to have this blog be my TRUE outlet where I can just let it all go. But I can't. Because, for better or worse, people are reading it. People I know. Including those choice aforementioned people.
And for that reason, I can't write about what's really on my mind tonight. Instead, let me be extremely vague and delicate, so I can get this off my chest as anonymously as possible.
For the past couple of years, a situation in my life has give me a bitter pill to swallow. I seem to keep having to swallow this pill over and over and over again, and the more I swallow it, the more bitter it gets. I am getting really sick of said pill.
Have you ever had a situation in your life where you just KNOW you are right? In that, if you were in a court of law, and you set out your arguments (and I can do this quite well, thank you very much), there is no doubt you would win. Analytically, logically, evidentiarily, EVERYTHING - you are right. No doubt about it.
But what if it doesn't matter? What if it doesn't matter how right you are, because if you "win" it won't be recognized, and it's all a lose lose situation anyway? So instead of fighting the fight, you reside yourself to just swallow that pill. And keep doing it over and over again.
That's where I am. I am swallowing that pill. And trying to be an adult and come to peace with that and rise above it and all of that BS. But to be honest, I am having a really, really hard time with it. Especially tonight.
Anyway, I guess that's all I can say about that. I am fine, really. Just have a bad taste in my mouth.
Ahhhh, I have to say, I do feel better already.