Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Explosive Poops on Planes (and Related Netflix Entertainment)

I feel like I could write a novel about diaper mishaps, but I don't.  Because it's disgusting and boring and who really wants to read that?

And yet, here I am about to write a blog post about an explosive poopy diaper.  But I must. Because my story must be told.

Our family went to the Cayman Islands last week - our fourth visit there.  It was awesome and beautiful and perhaps in the near future I will post pictures.  But the trip down there with three kids was a bit brutal.

In order to save a bit of money, we opted to take connecting flights from DC to the Caymans.  It sounded like a great idea a few months before whilst searching for the best fare, but I was cursing myself when we arrived late to the Miami airport and had to book it across the terminal to make it to our next flight.  We barely had time to do anything, but I told my husband we HAD to change my son Colin's diaper before we boarded the next plane.  Because really, where does one change a diaper on the plane?  In the minuscule, disgusting airplane bathroom?  I'm not quite sure logistically how that would work, and I didn't want to learn.

I took the older boys to grab a quick snack, while my husband changed Colin's diaper, in our reclined stroller.  We reunited in the boarding line, where my husband said to me:  You know in the Crocodile Hunter where the crocodiles would roll all over violently when threatened?  That's what Colin just did while I was changing his diaper.  

I had to laugh.  Better him than me.  At least it was done.

We boarded the plane, and I hunkered in with Colin on my lap, who was flying as a lap child.  Just as the plane was about to take off, I smelled something.  I reached at the back of his pants to look in his diaper, and there it was.  Explosive and yellow and mushy and about to go up his back.  And a bit of it got on my forefinger.

I calmly wiped my finger with a napkin and turned to my husband across the aisle and told him that Colin needed his diaper changed asap.  But of course, we had to wait for the plane to take off and for the fasten seat belt sign to be turned off which took, all in, around 20 minutes, all of which were spent with me delicately holding Colin in awkward positions so the poop would not squeeze out of his diaper and up his shirt.  I used this fact as leverage in convincing my husband to be the one to do the dirty deed.

The plane reached cruising altitude, my husband took Colin to the bathroom, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  As I did so, I must have wiped my brow with my hand, because I noticed that my finger had left something wet on my head.

Yes, it's what you are thinking.  Poop.  On my forehead.

I scrambled to find another napkin, a bit confused as to how poop got back on my finger, and thus, on my head.  As I did so, I saw it.

On my seat, next to my thigh, and in between my and my oldest son's seat, was a big, mushy turd.

Of poop.

An involuntary shriek escaped from my mouth.  My oldest son, 6, immediately asked me what was wrong and I realized I had to keep all of this quiet.  Because if my older two kids saw it, they would have freaked out.  FREAKED OUT.  Out of joy, out of shock, out of laughter, out of disgust, whatever.  But the fact is, the whole plane would have heard about it.

So I calmly searched and found another napkin.  I scooped up the poop.  I walked it back to the flight attendant area, and threw it in the trash.  I stopped in a bathroom and washed my hands.  I did all of this with a completely straight face and monotone demeanor.

While I was waiting for my husband and Colin to return from the bathroom, I retrieved the Purell from my carry on.  I used my last remaining napkin to wipe the seat.  But if you get nothing else from this post, use it as a reminder that you should probably sanitize your tray table and seating area each time you fly.  You never know what's been there before you.

My husband came back to his seat a few minutes later.  Colin had no pants on, and my husband had a "holy shit you have no idea what I have just been through" look on his face.

We exchanged stories and realized what had happened.  When my husband changed Colin's diaper before the flight, in the midst of the thrashing he had given Colin a huge diaper wedgie.  And thus, when he pooped, the poop escaped the diaper and fell right down through his pants leg, onto the airplane seat.  Next to me.

My husband had opted to throw the pants away.  Luckily, unlike the last time, we had brought a spare set of clothes in our carry on.

We had an amazing time in the Cayman Islands.  But dare I say, the poop incident may be the most memorable part of the trip.

And speaking of poop incidents, my Netflix Stream Team post for this month is nearly overdue.  I am always trying to think of creative topics for my Netflix posts, so this month I figured I would just go with what I know.  So here they are, people: 4 Netflix movies with great poop scenes.  You're welcome.

Three Men and a Baby (available on Netflix DVD)
Isn't this just a classic?  And to think way back when I first watched it at age 9 I had no appreciation for the hardships that Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson had in raising a baby for a mere few weeks after the baby was dropped on their doorstep and social services were not called. There's an adorable scene where little baby Mary craps in her diaper and then pees on Tom Selleck as he is changing it.  Oh bless.

Babies (available on Netflix DVD)
This 2010 documentary about babies is fascinating, all the more so because it has no words or dialogue.  It follows four babies from birth to their first birthday, in four different locations around the world - San Francisco, Mongolia, Namibia, and Japan.  It's amazing to see that notwithstanding how different the cultures are, babies are so much the same.  But the cultural differences are astounding - for one, in Namibia, they don't use diapers.  Instead, the babies just kind of poop wherever.  And the moms just wipe it up.  And everyone is happy and fine and the environment is probably all the better for it.

It it a comedy?  A tragedy?  A crime movie?  All of the above I suppose, and perhaps weird above everything else.  But it's also an incredible movie, and a must see for anyone who appreciates a British sense of humor and wants to see a British classic .  One of the memorable scenes from the movie is when Ewan McGregor takes a crap at a public restroom, and ends up having some trippy dream about diving into the toilet and swimming through the sewage.  Yeah, weird.

Bridesmaids (available on Netflix DVD)
I'm not one that is normally into potty humor, but the level to which I laughed aloud at the poop scene from Bridesmaids is almost embarrassing.  There's really nothing else to say.  Lets watch instead.


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