Thursday, January 31, 2013

Why, Why not?

The "why nots" far outweigh the "why's".

Why Not
1) Four is an easy number.  Two parents, two kids.  Perfect for cars, amusement park rides, hotel rooms.
2) I am finally reaching the point where I don't have a child to constantly run after.  I can leave the kids downstairs by themselves for short periods while I cook, clean, or watch episodes of Breaking Bad.  By the summer, I may be able to sit outside on the deck with a margarita while they independently play on the swing set.  Heaven.
3) I enjoy not having to share my body with someone else.  I can drink what I want, eat what I want, and sleep more than 4 hours straight without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
4) I still have not lost my "Casey" weight.  I recognize it's been two and half years out, so perhaps it's just my weight.  But still.  Not a good place to start.
5) I really don't want to get fat again. (This deserves its own bullet, although it is closely related to #4).
6) Our house is small.  With three bedrooms, all of which share walls.  Oh, and I should mention we have NO MASTER BATH.  We're kind of on top of each other as is.
7) Our bank account is small.  Well, not we're broke small, but small in that we are just getting by, between preschool and 529 accounts and 401ks and mortgages and the occasional splurge on a ridiculously expensive meal.  We get by, and we live well.  But only just barely.
8) That career thing, remember that?  That thing I left behind?  Well, I wouldn't be getting back to it any sooner.  Not at all.
9) 2012 was a really hard year for our family.  2013 promises to be better.  But still... why complicate things?
10) Less than a year from now, I will be 35.  AMA, baby.
11) Remember that whole PPD episode I had back in 2010 when Casey was born?  The one that reared its ugly head once again this summer?  Yeah, that sucked.  I really don't want to go through that ever again.  Ever.
12) Most days, by the end of the day, I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I am exhausted, spent, and impatient.  Motherhood is hard, simple as that.
13) I have two amazing, healthy, perfect little boys.  Can anyone really be this lucky? Am I rolling the dice?  Who am I to rock the boat?

Because I want it from somewhere deep inside.
Because I feel it in my heart.
Because, beyond all rationality, it feels right.
Because I love being a mother more than anything else.
Because maybe there is one more miracle out there for me.  
I guess we'll see.  


  1. honestly, the first few years with three were pretty hard. Trout is when I started wearing pajamas all day and stopped putting on makeup. He's what made me finally donate all my size 4-6 clothes (and some of the 8s too). But I can't picture our life without him. Though, the hotel room situation never gets better we're always splurging on suites. And the dynamic between three kids is always tricky, someone is always left out (though who it is rotates continually).

  2. someone once said to me "every mother knows when their quiver is full." I think you just know.

  3. We never planned on three. Then we had a surprise pregnancy that ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. I knew I wanted another, my hubby wasn't sure. We now have three and cannot imagine our family without him. Do what feels right for you.

  4. I definitely understand! Our plan is adding one more. We're both from big families, so 2 just seems so small to us. That said, we would be perfectly happy if 2 were all we had could have, but we still want 1 more. Even at this point for us we're still booking 2 rooms in most hotels anyway! It will definitely be after I've been working for at least a year or two, but certainly in the next 3 years. When you know you know!

  5. I may be in the minority here and I hope this doesn't come across awful, but you need to lay off on the jokes about advanced maternal age! You're not yet 35! If you're really worried, talk with your doc. Yes, a pregnancy at this point would have a bit of extra monitoring and risks. But not as much as someone who is, say, pushing 40 with no kids and trying for their first. Good luck deciding about #3. A lot of people say the transition is easier than from 1 to 2!

  6. I share nearly every single reason on both sides of the list and have no idea what we will ultimately do... I'm still a "flex-time" lawyer/mommy (whatever that means) and I have no idea how we could reasonably add a third to the delicate [im]balance but I still think I want one. Just glad to know I'm not alone-thanks for continuing to share your honesty.


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