The "why nots" far outweigh the "why's".
1) Four is an easy number. Two parents, two kids. Perfect for cars, amusement park rides, hotel rooms.
2) I am finally reaching the point where I don't have a child to constantly run after. I can leave the kids downstairs by themselves for short periods while I cook, clean, or watch episodes of Breaking Bad. By the summer, I may be able to sit outside on the deck with a margarita while they independently play on the swing set. Heaven.
3) I enjoy not having to share my body with someone else. I can drink what I want, eat what I want, and sleep more than 4 hours straight without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
4) I still have not lost my "Casey" weight. I recognize it's been two and half years out, so perhaps it's just my weight. But still. Not a good place to start.
5) I really don't want to get fat again. (This deserves its own bullet, although it is closely related to #4).
6) Our house is small. With three bedrooms, all of which share walls. Oh, and I should mention we have NO MASTER BATH. We're kind of on top of each other as is.
7) Our bank account is small. Well, not we're broke small, but small in that we are just getting by, between preschool and 529 accounts and 401ks and mortgages and the occasional splurge on a ridiculously expensive meal. We get by, and we live well. But only just barely.
8) That career thing, remember that? That thing I left behind? Well, I wouldn't be getting back to it any sooner. Not at all.
9) 2012 was a really hard year for our family. 2013 promises to be better. But still... why complicate things?
10) Less than a year from now, I will be 35. AMA, baby.
11) Remember that whole PPD episode I had back in 2010 when Casey was born? The one that reared its ugly head once again this summer? Yeah, that sucked. I really don't want to go through that ever again. Ever.
12) Most days, by the end of the day, I am barely hanging on by a thread. I am exhausted, spent, and impatient. Motherhood is hard, simple as that.
13) I have two amazing, healthy, perfect little boys. Can anyone really be this lucky? Am I rolling the dice? Who am I to rock the boat?
Because I want it from somewhere deep inside.
Because I feel it in my heart.
Because, beyond all rationality, it feels right.
Because I love being a mother more than anything else.
Because maybe there is one more miracle out there for me.
I guess we'll see.