You know what the best thing is about children?
They erase all past regrets. All of them.
How can you have regrets? If my life hadn't gone in exactly the way it had, with the timing to a T, I wouldn't have my two children. Maybe I'd have different children, but they wouldn't be the ones I know. And those are the only ones I want, and can imagine having.
It makes everything worth it. All the bad decisions. All the missteps. All the broken relationships. In a sense, upon the birth of both of my children, the slate was wiped clean.
But you know what the scariest thing is about having children?
There are so many potential future regrets.
Regrets about time - how much you spend with them, and how you spend it. Regrets about patience lost. Regrets about putting too much pressure; about not putting enough pressure. Regrets about forcing them to face fears; about not forcing them to face fears. Regrets about not cuddling with them more. Not laughing with them more. Not falling asleep next to them more. Not living in the moment.
Regrets about big decisions that will affect them forever.
Regrets about not giving them the perfect childhood that I want for them.
Hindsight is a scary, scary thing. I can tell that already. I feel like I'm walking through a minefield of potential mistakes and mishaps, ones that could have huge impacts on the lives of the two people I love more than anything. Because when it comes to my kids, the slate never gets wiped clean.
My two boys are looking to me to have all the answers. To do everything right by them. And I am going to try - so, so hard.
But there's so much to mess up on. And it's hard not to be scared when the stakes are so high.